Who Should Answer for Yeardley Love's Murder?

By Casey Gwinn

Family Justice Center Alliance

May 10, 2010

Last week, Yeardley Love was murdered by her former boyfriend, George Huguely at the University of Virginia. The media has given it much coverage. Though three other women died the same day Yeardley died and though four women have died every day since her death, this case has captured more attention. She was from an upper middle class family. Her killer was from a wealthy Florida family. They were both good looking, white, successful college lacrosse players with scholarships. This kind of thing is not supposed to happen with people like this, right? They were young…with their whole lives ahead of them. Now, George Huguely will spend the rest of his life in prison. Yeardley Love is dead. Who is responsible? Who should answer for her murder? Fingers are pointing at the university, at his family, at their friends, and at law enforcement professionals who dealt with him in the past. People are calling for an investigation and a review of everything that happened. The University is pledging to do more about the issue of relationship violence on their campus.

But perhaps we are missing out on the big picture. Perhaps we are missing out on the much less obvious cause of Yeardley Love’s murder. And perhaps we can actually learn from it and do something about it if we will get honest about those who should be accountable…So, who is responsible for the murder of Yeardley Love? Who should answer for her death?

We are all responsible. I am partially responsible for her murder. You are partially responsible for her murder. We should all answer for her murder. But George killed her, right? The rage-filled, jealous, obsessive boyfriend is responsible not us! Yes, he is responsible too. And he will personally pay for savagely beating her to death in what his attorney has called an “accident.” But it was not an accident. It was a pre-meditated, predictable, preventable, murder. The University of Virginia should have seen it coming. Their friends should have seen it coming. And if we were all well-educated on the issues and the research, if we all were aware of everything going on in every abusive relationship in America, we would all see each and every one of these murders coming.

But, sadly, we have condoned intimate partner violence for too long. We, as a society, have failed to educate every man, woman, and child about the issue. We have failed to hold abusers accountable in our community. We have failed to demand culture change. We have failed to implement awareness efforts in every corner of society. We have failed to put enough resources into prevention and education programs with children. We have minimized domestic violence, ignored it, and rationalized it. We have viewed it as someone else’s problem. We have viewed it as someone else’s responsibility. We have viewed it as a women’s issue. We have viewed it as about “those people” or “those women.” And therefore we must accept some responsibility for Yeardley Love’s murder. In a country where one in four women will be impacted by intimate partner violence in her lifetime, we really are duplicitous in every incident as long as we are not doing enough to stop it throughout our society.

Most intimate violence is perpetrated by men. Why do they do it? Because we let them. They don’t grow up hearing over and over that it is wrong and will not be tolerated. They don’t grow up in homes seeing the men in their lives model respect for women. And when they choose to use violence, they get away with it. Most abusers aren’t arrested. Most abusers aren’t prosecuted. Most abusers are not confronted by a caring group of friends and family members when they are violent or even near violence. Most churches don’t make this a high priority topic. In most schools, it is a one hour class if it is talked about at all. Most news stories are only about the cases with broken bones and dead bodies. There is never enough media focus when the victims are still alive and the violence is minimal or has not yet started at all.

What of the case of George Huguely? Once all the truth is out, there will be clear evidence that he was a man of rage, who was never held accountable. It will be clear that he was violent and/or emotionally abusive with Yeardley in the past and nothing happened to him. Many people probably knew something about the risk to her and others because of his rage. Certainly the University should have known about his past violence and police interventions. Who should have told? Who should have shared information? Who should have realized that everything means something in an abusive relationship? The answer of course…is…all of us.

Let’s remember that such murders and murder-suicides happen all over America. They happen in every state of the nation. They happen in every age group, every socio-economic group, and every ethnic group. And intimate partner violence happens between teenagers, young adults, dating couples, heterosexual, gay, and lesbian couples, married couples of all ages, and couples that live together. Murders never happen out of the blue in domestic violence situations. There is always a ramp up. There is always a pattern of escalation. Sometimes it might happen fast, sometimes it might happen slowly. When the victims tries to leave or break it off, she is more likely to face greater violence or death. When no one knows and no one is holding the abuser accountable, there is more likely to be continued violence and escalating violence. The research on each of these topics is clear and convincing. It is no longer a mystery. If you don’t know all this, do some research! Get involved, and figure it out. Don’t see intimate relationship violence around you? You are not looking.

Here are some resources to help you get educated and then reach out to everyone you know:

· National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline – http://www.loveisrespect.org/

· Choose Respect, a great curriculum for children that could be used in every middle school and high school in America – http://www.chooserespect.org/

· Boss of Me, which aims to prevent teen dating violence - http://www.bom411.com/

· Start Strong, which helps 11-14 year olds develop healthy relationships – http://www.startstrongteens.org/

· National Family Justice Center Alliance, which helps communities organize community centers where all the services for prevention and intervention in family violence can come together in one place - www.familyjusticecenter.org

· Peace Over Violence – http://www.peaceoverviolence.org/

· A Thin Line, a national campaign to end digital abuse – http://www.athinline.org/

So, will you do something? What can you do today? Talk to your kids about violence and relationships. Ask your minister, priest, or rabbi to speak on the topic. Talk to your friends and family members about their knowledge of violence and abuse in relationships. Write a letter to every elected official in your community and tell them this is an important issue for you and you want them to make it a priority in your community. We are all responsible. We should all answer for what is happening to women and girls in this country. We should all care about what many men do to so many women. And we should all do something about it. It is the least we can do in memory of Yeardley Love since we are all partially responsible for her murder.