By Casey Gwinn
Family Justice Center Alliance
May 10, 2010
Last week, Yeardley Love was murdered by her former boyfriend, George Huguely at the
But perhaps we are missing out on the big picture. Perhaps we are missing out on the much less obvious cause of Yeardley Love’s murder. And perhaps we can actually learn from it and do something about it if we will get honest about those who should be accountable…So, who is responsible for the murder of Yeardley Love? Who should answer for her death?
We are all responsible. I am partially responsible for her murder. You are partially responsible for her murder. We should all answer for her murder. But George killed her, right? The rage-filled, jealous, obsessive boyfriend is responsible not us! Yes, he is responsible too. And he will personally pay for savagely beating her to death in what his attorney has called an “accident.” But it was not an accident. It was a pre-meditated, predictable, preventable, murder. The
But, sadly, we have condoned intimate partner violence for too long. We, as a society, have failed to educate every man, woman, and child about the issue. We have failed to hold abusers accountable in our community. We have failed to demand culture change. We have failed to implement awareness efforts in every corner of society. We have failed to put enough resources into prevention and education programs with children. We have minimized domestic violence, ignored it, and rationalized it. We have viewed it as someone else’s problem. We have viewed it as someone else’s responsibility. We have viewed it as a women’s issue. We have viewed it as about “those people” or “those women.” And therefore we must accept some responsibility for Yeardley Love’s murder. In a country where one in four women will be impacted by intimate partner violence in her lifetime, we really are duplicitous in every incident as long as we are not doing enough to stop it throughout our society.
Most intimate violence is perpetrated by men. Why do they do it? Because we let them. They don’t grow up hearing over and over that it is wrong and will not be tolerated. They don’t grow up in homes seeing the men in their lives model respect for women. And when they choose to use violence, they get away with it. Most abusers aren’t arrested. Most abusers aren’t prosecuted. Most abusers are not confronted by a caring group of friends and family members when they are violent or even near violence. Most churches don’t make this a high priority topic. In most schools, it is a one hour class if it is talked about at all. Most news stories are only about the cases with broken bones and dead bodies. There is never enough media focus when the victims are still alive and the violence is minimal or has not yet started at all.
What of the case of George Huguely? Once all the truth is out, there will be clear evidence that he was a man of rage, who was never held accountable. It will be clear that he was violent and/or emotionally abusive with Yeardley in the past and nothing happened to him. Many people probably knew something about the risk to her and others because of his rage. Certainly the University should have known about his past violence and police interventions. Who should have told? Who should have shared information? Who should have realized that everything means something in an abusive relationship? The answer of course…is…all of us.
Let’s remember that such murders and murder-suicides happen all over
Here are some resources to help you get educated and then reach out to everyone you know:
· National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline – http://www.loveisrespect.org/
· Choose Respect, a great curriculum for children that could be used in every middle school and high school in
· Boss of Me, which aims to prevent teen dating violence - http://www.bom411.com/
· Start Strong, which helps 11-14 year olds develop healthy relationships – http://www.startstrongteens.org/
· National Family Justice Center Alliance, which helps communities organize community centers where all the services for prevention and intervention in family violence can come together in one place - www.familyjusticecenter.org
· Peace Over Violence – http://www.peaceoverviolence.org/
· A Thin Line, a national campaign to end digital abuse – http://www.athinline.org/
So, will you do something? What can you do today? Talk to your kids about violence and relationships. Ask your minister, priest, or rabbi to speak on the topic. Talk to your friends and family members about their knowledge of violence and abuse in relationships. Write a letter to every elected official in your community and tell them this is an important issue for you and you want them to make it a priority in your community. We are all responsible. We should all answer for what is happening to women and girls in this country. We should all care about what many men do to so many women. And we should all do something about it. It is the least we can do in memory of Yeardley Love since we are all partially responsible for her murder.