Family Violence: Collateral Damage

"Domestic Violence"

We have heard it so much, it begins to mean nothing to us.

"Domestic Violence" is a sterile way to say, "Violence is happening in my family - in my home, in the one place I should feel safe and protected.

In some ways the term itself, and the services we currently provide to victims of family violence, are what I call "old school."

The reality is that family violence also means that children are being exposed to violence at home, and that this exposure is having devastating effects on them. Statistics tell us that 70% of men who batter their spouses are also abusing their children.

(National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information, In Harm’s Way: Domestic Violence and Child Maltreatment, Washington, DC: National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information, 1999)

We are also hearing very disturbing statistics like these:

• Children raised in violent homes are:

6 times more likely to commit suicide

26 times more likely to commit sexual assault

57 times more likely to abuse drugs

74 times more likely to commit other crimes against persons

• A recent study found that children who had witnessed their parents fighting, had IQ scores 8 points lower than their peers. (Development and Psychopathology, June 2003)
  

We must begin addressing family violence in a more holistic manner, in the context of family, and with intentional intervention and prevention services for children. Shelter services are important, but only 3% of women who experience intimate partner violence ever go to a shelter.

Most of the rest are in their homes where the secrets of family violence are securely kept.

A few have found refuge in the homes of friends or family.

We will find them in their communities . . . at work places and PTA meetings, in the grocery store or in the beauty salon, at their place of worship or at civic club meetings.

And their children? We'll find them in the classroom and on the playground.

Those are the places where we must focus our services - in the places where the victims and their children are living and playing and working . . . and acting as normal as possible so that they can keep the secret safe.

"Old school" domestic violence services cannot meet today's need. We have to go to the women and children in their worlds, walk with them on their journeys, encourage them to trust us, and assure them they are not alone anymore.

Our staff at Safe Places learned this very important lesson from one of our clients, an eleven year old victim of family violence who said to his advocate, "Why should I tell you anything? You can't protect me."

He was right. If we continue to do the same things we have always done, providing the same services we have always provided, we will not protect him. It is going to require more of us - more commitment, more creativity, and more attention to the children of family violence.

As he said through his T-Shirt for the Clothesline Project last year:

"Children should get a say. Your life is valuable."